I find it hard to get over some things.
I find it hard to get over anything– particularly when I’m trapped beneath it.
Struggling, straining, screaming, against it–While simultaneously aching, aiming, and pining for it.
I am exhausted and enraptured by my emotional contradictions –I sprint to the finish, I am going this alone.
I am loving.
I am living.
I am continuing my story.
God damn. I’m lost. But, I am.
;
Emotionally unavailable
You wrap around my mind
Flirting with disaster
Falling deeper
Falling faster
—
Falling deeper for another
For whom I am “the other”
There’s no possible way
That I can settle for this
—
So we’ve hit rock bottom
And I’ve started to dig.
I suppose I’ll be proceeding alone.
I’m short with you because you cut me down
When I’ve already been cut enough
I don’t need another knife in my back
Another keeper
Another judge
So keep it to yourself
And I won’t tell you how I’m feeling, either–
Because honey, don’t even get me started.
It wasn’t yours.
A burden, perhaps – yes
For me, as well.
One that I saw in my eyes
Every morning, noon, night.
A mistake. Forgiven. Forgotten. Meaningless.
A secret.
But not yours to share beyond these walls.
Beyond this bond. This agreement. This pact.
Not to be spoken aloud.
But now that’s done.
It’s out. Your fault.
Now, when I see it staring back
It will be from the eyes of another.
Another who is not involved
Who does not understand
And was never supposed to.
It wasn’t yours.
And now it’s not mine either.
High atop my wire
I balance
Considering my choices
Past and present
One foot in front of the other
No return to safety
The fear of falling – constant
Hanging in the balance
Waiting
A steady breeze, a strong word
Enough to end it
A constant battle
Emotional and physical feats
I’m done with this circus
Fine defending my actions
Done defending the cuts that run deep
Done defending this entire affair
Forget it? Impossible
The highs of the single strand
The bone crushing lows of my fall
But move on?
I must
Heartless until it breaks
I’ve made a terrible mistake
Bending the rules to your needs
Twisting my words – Cutting me deeper
Insisting and manipulating
With beautiful simplicity
Rolling around in your victories
Head high atop my own slump
Everyone’s hero
And everyone’s victim
Careless, thoughtless, and endless
Yet gathering ammunition for a spirited demise
But were you ever a kindred spirit?
A love, a friend, a guide?
What have I done?
Sing, Little Bird 